By Selena In Flow Wellbeing Studio
Have you ever set yourself a goal that you genuinely wanted to achieve, knew exactly why it mattered to you, and believed was completely realistic — yet somehow you just couldn’t make yourself do it?
Perhaps you wanted to lose 10 kilos, run your first 5K, go to the gym three times a week, improve your fitness or simply start looking after yourself a little better.
You weren’t asking for the impossible. You had a clear goal, a good reason for wanting it and perhaps even a carefully written plan. You might have bought the trainers, joined the gym, downloaded the fitness app and promised yourself that this time would be different.
But a few weeks later, something happened. Your enthusiasm faded. Life got busy. Old habits crept back in. And despite genuinely wanting to change, you found yourself doing exactly what you’d always done.
Why does this happen?
One of the most fascinating things I’ve learnt during more than 30 years in the fitness and wellbeing industry is that knowing what to do and being able to make yourself do it are two very different things.
We spend so much time focusing on training our bodies, but often forget that our minds need training too.
The missing piece of the fitness puzzle
When I first trained as a personal trainer, I was fascinated by exercise, nutrition and how the body works. But my understanding of creating lasting change developed enormously when my own personal trainer, Pete Cohen, introduced me to neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), Tony Robbins and the psychology of human behaviour.
That experience inspired me to train as an NLP practitioner and explore the relationship between our thoughts, emotions, beliefs and actions.
Over the years, I’ve become increasingly interested in why some people seem to change their habits relatively easily while others struggle, despite being equally committed to their goals.
What I’ve discovered is that we can’t simply rely on willpower.
Our behaviour is influenced by our environment, emotions, past experiences, automatic habits, confidence and the way we think about ourselves.
If we want to create lasting change, we need to understand all of these influences rather than simply telling ourselves to try harder.
Why Willpower Isn’t Enough
One of the most influential motivational teachers I’ve studied is Tony Robbins, author of Awaken the Giant Within. His work explores how our beliefs, emotions, decisions and habitual patterns influence the direction of our lives.
One of his central ideas is that lasting change requires us to change the patterns behind our behaviour, not simply make another promise to ourselves.
Think about someone who wants to lose weight. They might know everything about healthy eating, understand calories, recognise the benefits of exercise and have a perfectly sensible plan. But when they’re tired, stressed or overwhelmed, they find themselves returning to old habits.
The problem isn’t necessarily a lack of knowledge. It may be that their existing habits are easier, more familiar or provide immediate comfort.
This is where mindset coaching becomes so valuable. Instead of simply asking, “What do you want to achieve?” we begin exploring, “What’s getting in the way?”
What happens just before you abandon your plans? What are you telling yourself? What emotions are you experiencing? What would make the healthier choice easier?
These questions can reveal far more than another diet sheet or exercise programme.
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself
Another fascinating author is Dr Joe Dispenza, whose book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself explores the relationship between habitual thinking, emotions, identity and behaviour.
One of the ideas I find particularly interesting is that we can become so accustomed to thinking, feeling and behaving in certain ways that these patterns begin to feel like part of our identity.
Perhaps you’ve spent years telling yourself that you’re not sporty, that you have no willpower, that you’re naturally overweight or that you’re simply not the sort of person who enjoys exercise.
After a while, these thoughts can become so familiar that you stop questioning them.
But what if they aren’t permanent truths about who you are? What if they’re simply stories you’ve repeated so often that you’ve started believing them?
Dispenza encourages readers to become more conscious of their habitual thoughts and to imagine a different way of being. Although some of his broader claims about neuroscience and healing go beyond established scientific evidence, the practical idea of noticing and challenging unhelpful thinking patterns is valuable.
Instead of repeating, “I’m hopeless at exercise,” you might begin telling yourself, “I’m learning to become someone who enjoys moving.”
Instead of saying, “I always give up,” you might say, “I’m learning how to create habits that work for me.”
These changes in language won’t magically transform your life overnight. But they can create an opportunity to think differently, make different choices and gradually build a new relationship with yourself.
Habit Busting: Understanding Why We Repeat Old Patterns
My former personal trainer, Pete Cohen, went on to become a successful author and motivational coach, writing books including Habit Busting.
Pete’s work explores something I’ve always found fascinating: why do we continue doing things that we know aren’t helping us?
Habits often serve a purpose, even when their long-term consequences aren’t particularly helpful.
Someone who eats when they’re stressed might be looking for comfort. Someone who avoids the gym might be protecting themselves from embarrassment or feelings of inadequacy. Someone who repeatedly postpones exercise might simply be exhausted or overwhelmed.
If we only focus on stopping the behaviour without understanding what drives it, we may find ourselves repeating the same pattern.
A more helpful approach is to become curious about our habits rather than judging ourselves for having them.
What is this behaviour giving me? What am I trying to avoid? What could I do differently that would meet the same need?
Sometimes the solution is surprisingly simple. It might be choosing an exercise class where you feel welcome, finding a walking partner, reducing the length of your workout or allowing yourself to start with something genuinely enjoyable.
The Science of Creating New Habits
One of the most useful approaches to behaviour change comes from Stanford behaviour scientist BJ Fogg, author of Tiny Habits.
His research-based behaviour model explains that three things need to come together for a behaviour to happen: motivation, ability and a prompt.
In other words, you need to want to do something, be able to do it and have a cue that reminds you to act.
This is particularly interesting because motivation naturally fluctuates.
You might feel wonderfully motivated on Sunday evening when you’re planning your new fitness routine. But by Wednesday afternoon, after a stressful day, that motivation might have disappeared.
Rather than depending on feeling motivated, Fogg encourages us to make the desired behaviour easier.
If your goal is to exercise three times a week but you repeatedly struggle, perhaps your starting point needs to be much smaller.
What about putting on your trainers and walking for five minutes? What about doing five squats while the kettle boils? What about visiting the gym for just ten minutes?
These might seem insignificant compared with your ultimate goal, but they help you practise becoming consistent.
And consistency creates opportunities for confidence to grow.
Small Wins Build Self-Belief
This is something I’m particularly passionate about in my own coaching.
I would much rather see someone set a goal of exercising for ten minutes a week and achieve it consistently than set a goal of five gym sessions and feel disappointed when life gets in the way.
When we repeatedly achieve small goals, we begin collecting evidence that we can trust ourselves.
Psychologist Albert Bandura called this self-efficacy: our belief in our ability to carry out the actions needed to achieve a particular result.
Successful experiences can strengthen that belief.
And when we believe we’re capable of doing something, we’re often more willing to try again, persist through difficulties and gradually take on bigger challenges.
This is why I believe encouragement, celebration and positive reinforcement are such important parts of personal training.
I don’t just want my clients to become physically stronger. I want them to become more confident in their own ability to create change.
Train Your Mind as Well as Your Body
If we want to improve our physical fitness, we understand that we need to practise.
We wouldn’t expect to become stronger after lifting a weight once. We know that muscles adapt through repeated training, appropriate recovery and gradual progression.
Yet when it comes to our minds, we sometimes expect an instant transformation.
We decide that tomorrow we’ll be disciplined, motivated, confident and completely different from the person we were yesterday.
But mental skills also benefit from practice.
We can practise noticing unhelpful thoughts. We can practise responding differently to setbacks. We can practise planning ahead, managing stress, celebrating progress and becoming more compassionate towards ourselves.
Mindset coaching can help us develop these skills.
It’s not about pretending everything is wonderful or forcing ourselves to think positively all the time. It’s about learning to recognise what influences our behaviour and finding practical ways to support ourselves.
Five Ways to Start Creating Lasting Change
1. Become curious about what’s stopping you. Instead of criticising yourself for not following through, explore what happens when you abandon your plans. Is it tiredness, boredom, anxiety, lack of time or something else? Understanding the obstacle is the beginning of finding a solution.
2. Make your first goal almost ridiculously easy. If you want to run 5K, start by putting on your trainers and walking around the block. If you want to exercise regularly, begin with five or ten minutes. Give yourself the opportunity to succeed.
3. Create a specific plan. Rather than saying, “I’ll exercise more,” decide exactly when and where you’ll do it. For example, “After breakfast on Monday, I’ll go for a ten-minute walk.” Research suggests that these kinds of specific action plans can help people turn good intentions into physical activity.
4. Practise a new way of speaking to yourself. Notice when you describe yourself as lazy, hopeless or incapable. Replace harsh judgements with realistic, encouraging language. “I’m learning.” “I’m improving.” “I’m finding what works for me.”
5. Celebrate every achievement. Don’t wait until you’ve lost 10 kilos or completed your first 5K to feel proud. Celebrate turning up, trying something new, completing a short workout or getting back into your routine after a difficult week. Every small success matters.
Becoming the Best Version of Yourself
For me, creating change isn’t about becoming a completely different person or constantly striving for perfection.
It’s about discovering what we’re capable of when we stop fighting against ourselves and start understanding ourselves.
Perhaps the person who thinks they’re hopeless at exercise simply hasn’t discovered a form of movement they enjoy.
Perhaps the person who believes they lack discipline needs a smaller starting point, a different environment or more encouragement.
Perhaps the person who has repeatedly struggled to lose weight needs support with stress, sleep, habits and emotional wellbeing alongside nutrition and exercise.
This is why my approach to personal training is holistic.
I combine my experience in fitness, yoga, breathwork, nutrition and NLP to help people work with both their bodies and their minds.
Because achieving a fitness goal is wonderful, but discovering that you can trust yourself, overcome obstacles and create positive changes in your life can be even more rewarding.
You don’t have to become a different person before you start. You can become more confident, capable and resilient through the small things you practise every day.
And sometimes, the greatest transformation isn’t the number on the scales or how far you can run.
It’s the moment you begin to believe in yourself again.
Ready to Create Your Own Change?
At In Flow Wellbeing Studio, I offer a supportive, personalised approach to fitness and wellbeing, combining physical training with motivation, mindset coaching, breathwork and encouragement.
Whether you’re starting exercise for the first time, returning after a long break or struggling to turn your good intentions into lasting habits, we can work together to discover what’s holding you back and create a realistic plan that feels achievable.
You don’t need to arrive feeling confident, fit or motivated. That’s what we can build together.
Start small. Build confidence. Create lasting change.
Visit In Flow Wellbeing Studio to explore sessions and book
Because the best investment you can make is in your own wellbeing.
